January 05, 2016

The Shrinking Herd

It is now 2016. My blog is like a time capsule; even the links to other blogs lead mostly to sites long abandoned. Of course life has not been standing still; the minutiae of its days are either forgotten or, pointlessly, captured on Facebook.

The shrinking herd

Some lives have ended since I last posted. I lost two uncles in 2014, unexpected deaths that still pain me greatly. In the photo above, Molly and Trooper are pictured, but they are no longer with us. Ferris, amazingly, is still around, but at ten and a half his days are numbered.

I have been off work for a few months due to vision problems, and my time on the computer is necessarily limited. With weeks and weeks at home on my own, one might think that I had ample opportunity to organize my house and my life. Not so, as domestic issues have left my mind too muddled to allow me to bring order to my physical and mental space.

A glimpse of happiness

Motherhood has proven to be tougher than I ever anticipated. After emerging from my post-partum depression a few years ago I thought the worst was over, and perhaps it is, but I am encountering issues with dear Kai that make me regularly question my ability to cope. I will cope, though, for him. That is what moms do.

My age is 42, "the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything," according to the late author Douglas Adams. He was joking, of course; in his mind, the number held no special meaning. I can't say that it holds any meaning for me either, as reaching this age has not brought me any closer to definitive answers. I still struggle with the question, "What should we have for dinner?" It would seem that 42 years have barely brought me closer to adulthood. I fake it well: career, marriage, house, child; all of that belies the immature mess in my brain. Don't believe me? Well you are a poo-poo head.

In conclusion, I think we can all be grateful that I no longer blog. I'm done rambling now. It's time to snuggle with Ferris while I still can.


Rob K said...

Jen, it's so great to see you back on the blog! The blogosphere needs more voices as honest and open as yours.

I am very sorry for the losses in your life and I do wish you the best with dear Ferris, whom I had the pleasure of meeting.

I think you are very good, sweet, courageous person. I'm a hell of a lot older than 42 and I never had the guts to become a parent. I've been trying to fake adulthood for a while now, but I don't think I've fooled anyone.

I have no doubt in my mind that would will cope--hell, you'll do more than cope--you will thrive.as a mom and Kai will look back on his childhood as the happiest time of his life. And he'll have you to thank for it.

Take care, be well, and always remember that your Number One fan in Brooklyn has always got your back.

Calamity Jen said...

You're the best, Rob! Thank you.

amelia said...

I click on your blog from time to time and this time I was rewarded with your insights.
I wish I could sit in your living room again and chat with you but because of our animal family and the fact that we can't afford the gas (too many animals)I can rarely leave home.
Like a pair of complete idiots, we have committed to another rescue dog who will be arriving on Saturday. We can't afford it but his story was so sad and we are suckers. Please, nothing on FB as I haven't told my family and they won't be pleased.
I'm pretty sure that you are a better mother than I ever was and my kids have turned out OK. I always preferred animals!! Kai always looks so happy in pictures. I'm sure he is too!

Calamity Jen said...

You are so sweet. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you as well for opening your heart and your home (and your wallet!) to another rescue dog.

cat said...

In a weird, round-about way, I ended up here via a facebook memory post, to a blog post I wrote in 2011, to reading your comment on that post, and seeing that you wrote you had accidentally mis-typed your URL, and then clicking on the right URL to see if the blog was still around, and then seeing THIS post, and the photo of Ferris and then...feeling so sad for your loss.

I needed to comment here to give you big hugs. Because I miss blog comments, and I am tired of only communicating with people through FB.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I was just wondering if u ever hear anything from Depressed mom? I have just found her blog and it is exactly what I have been dealing with for a year but I noticed her last entry was back in 2013. Do u know how she is doing?

Calamity Jen said...

Cat, thank you for your comments. Facebook has not only replaced my blog communication, it has also replaced my real-life communication. I miss blogging, but I no longer have the time, concentration or energy to do it. I feel bad that I have no time to follow blogs -- especially your posts, which are always witty and poignant.

Calamity Jen said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. What local resources do you have?

Depressed Mom is also my friend on Facebook. She does not post often, but she has posted there recently. It is funny that you're asking about her, as I was just thinking about her yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen, thank you so much for getting back to me. Depressed moms blog really struck a chord with me as it's exactly how I am feeling. I even have a 3 year old son. I don't suppose you have an email address for her as I would love to get in touch? It would be so good to talk to someone who understands what anhedonia feels like. I have the support of my husband and family and I also see a psychiatrist and psychologist but nothing has helped so far. Just trying to remain hopeful but it's so hard. Thanks again. Debra

Anonymous said...

Debra, I'm having trouble posting your latest comment via my phone, and I can't even seem to leave a comment here except as "Anonymous," but it's me, Calamity. Please submit another comment with your email address. I won't post it; I will pass it along to Depressed Mom through Facebook.