December 28, 2007
December 27, 2007
I also received these unique stickers:
December 22, 2007
December 20, 2007
December 18, 2007
Because I have been known to injure myself with tools as simple as tampers and scissors, I was surprised and delighted when Scott permitted me to use some of the equipment at the machine shop where he works. I used the grinder, the paint gun, and even the horizontal band saw! Whoohoo! If you look closely you will see not one, not two but three hand-mangling warnings on the band saw.
Why, you might ask, would Scott be so reckless as to allow me to operate such dangerous machinery? Was it because I have a kick-ass life insurance policy? Was it because I had corrected his grammar just one too many times? No, it was because I really wanted to have a hand in creating a gate for my parents for Christmas. Here are a few photos of the work in progress.
We installed the gate this evening but neglected to take photographs. Stay tuned for photos of the completed project.
December 10, 2007
I certainly don't remember pressing that button, and I'm sure that my brother doesn't, either, but I know there's one child out there who will never be allowed to forget the time he or she pushed a forbidden button.
Ed. Note: Damn, that story was a lot funnier before they corrected it.
December 08, 2007
December 07, 2007
Somebody in Karraganbah, New South Wales, Australia happened upon my blog after Googling, "under the heading like a bowl full of jelly," perhaps in search of something related to Saint Nick. Another Aussie, this one from Perth, ended up on my blog after Googling "who wears muumuus." Good question, Perth. Who does wear muumuus? I would, if only I had the right occasion.
I see that the folks at the Pentagon are spending their time productively, as an individual using the ISP Army Information Systems Command-Pentagon arrived at my site by Googling the Emo Philips quote, "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"Calvin monkey brains" was the phrase that led someone from Atlanta, Georgia to my page, while a search for images of a "fat butt" was the starting point for an employee at an investment management firm in Godfrey, Illinois.
And a shout out to all my fans in Prague, Czech Republic, where a Googler found me using the terms "soiled the bed" and "passed out."
Potty-training, fatt butts and bed-soiling... Classy blog I've got here, no?
December 02, 2007
It's hard to crash a vehicle that is stuck in a snowdrift, and I'm pleased to say that we moved it a full three feet without hitting a thing. I may have cranked the wheel a bit too far, however, as I turned the truck just enough to block the path of an oncoming snowplow. The plow turned around and retreated, leaving our section of road unplowed. You're welcome, neighbours!
I hopped out of the cab and helped push, since we were obviously better off with no driver at all than with me at the wheel. We only managed to move the truck about two more feet before giving up. Scott and I resumed shovelling while the truck's owner climbed back in the cab to await a tow truck.
Between the truck-pushing and the snow-shovelling, my back is aching. I'd love to take a long, relaxing bath, but that would necessitate cleaning the bathtub first, which would mean leaning over and/or crouching. No can do. Note to self: next time, clean bathtub, then shovel.
November 24, 2007
November 14, 2007
On Saturday, while driving Scott to his dentist appointment, I had my first accident as a (semi-)licensed driver. I was in a line of cars waiting at a red light when a Leon's delivery truck glided into my lane from behind and hit the back of our Element. Scott threw his door open and hollered, "HEY!" while I put the vehicle into park, flipped on the hazard lights and checked for moving traffic before getting out to inspect the damage.
I was pleased to discover that there was nary a scratch. Barely a smudge in the dirt on our bumper, really. I was so relieved -- both at the lack of carnage and the fact that I wasn't at fault -- that I patted the truck driver on the back and chirped, "No worries!" before hopping back into the driver's seat.
Scott was frazzled, as he always is when I am driving, but I continued merrily onward until we reached the dentist's office, where we were only five minutes late for a 12:30 appointment. Unfortunately, the dentist had no time for Scott that day, as the appointment was actually scheduled for noon. I had entered the wrong time in my PalmPilot. So much for my fault-free day.
November 09, 2007
It took years for me to learn to love -- or at least accept -- myself for who I am. But with the recent increase in the amount of me that there is to love, I have come to realize that my continued acceptance might just lead to a heart attack one of these days. I could become the next "Suicide by Fat -- Obesity Revealed" specimen in Dr. Gunther von Hagens' Body Worlds exhibit. That ain't a pretty thought.
November 01, 2007
October 30, 2007
October 25, 2007
October 23, 2007
October 22, 2007
October 19, 2007
October 13, 2007
1. He already has a perfectly good Xbox.
2. Xbox 360s are famously troublesome, while Microsoft customer service is completely inept.
3. Planned obsolescence is bad for consumers and the environment.
4. Bill Gates does not need any more of our money.
October 12, 2007
October 05, 2007
One thing about the film that really struck me was that these men, new to modern conveniences such as airplanes and refrigerators, apparently took no time to get their driver's licences. These are men who were concerned that electricity would be too hard to "use." Now they're driving. Then there's me, someone who grew up surrounded by the latest technology. It has been well over a year since I started my quest to become licenced. During tonight's lesson, my new driving instructor shook her head and said to herself, "That's baaaad," several times. I'm getting the feeling I should stick to using simpler pieces of machinery, such as safety scissors.
September 27, 2007
September 20, 2007
September 14, 2007
I don't know. Will I eat the apple? It is still in the plastic bag, once again secure in its captivity. The entire escape attempt lasted less than five seconds, I'm confident of that, but does the Five-Second Rule become the Two-Second Rule in the case of a dirty bus floor? Does it become the Don't Even THINK About Putting That Near Your Mouth rule once the especially filthy under-seat area is involved? Can any amount of washing fix the damage that has been done? Do I have to resort to peeling? Help me out here, folks. What would you do?
September 11, 2007
September 06, 2007
September 02, 2007
I took quite a number of photos. Here's one of the better ones:
Our friend John took 1100 photos. Yes, 1100. Here's one of them:
In my defense, John's lens (see below) is much more powerful than the one I was using. But I'll admit that John is an awesome photographer.
The weather was absolutely perfect, especially with the breeze off Lake Ontario. It was that kind of refreshingly cool day that leads one to forget about the necessity of sunscreen. At least, I forgot about it. I didn't wear a hat, either. I did wear sunglasses. You know what I'm getting at. I ended up with this style of sunburn:
Following the air show we all retired to Cheryl and Mike's place. Cheryl's hands were full so I carried her camera, still attached to its tripod, back downstairs. I placed it out of the way in Cheryl and Mike's bedroom. I didn't consider how it would look when the other guests spotted the camera mounted at the foot of the bed. Scott, inebriated though he was, took no time to figure out the camera's self-timer feature.
August 28, 2007
August 24, 2007
August 23, 2007
You're The Sound and the Fury!
by William Faulkner
Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.
August 22, 2007
August 19, 2007
Having energy for little else, I have been surfing the weeeb. Specifically, I can has cheezburger? I aim to have viewed every captioned kitty (and labelled lagomorph and readable rodent) that the site has to offer before my tonsils have returned to their normal size. That shouldn't be a problem.
August 18, 2007
That was my first clue. Montana usually has wild eyes and a manic manner.
When I proceeded to the second floor, I found Samson in the middle of the scattered trash, cheerfully chewing on some cellophane. You might think I would conclude that the cat was at least partly responsible for the mess. Au contraire, my friend. You see, I already know what Samson does when he decides to get into the garbage. Samson doesn't knock over the wastebasket and toss trash hither and thither. He gingerly removes the Q-tips, one by one, and gnaws on the cotton tips. (Thankfully, unlike some people's pets, he doesn't eat the entire Q-tip.)
While we're on the topic of Q-tips, what's with the maxim, "Never stick anything in your ear smaller than your elbow"? Does anyone seriously believe that Q-tips would still be on the market if people weren't sticking them in their ears? The Q-tips web site suggests everything from cleaning camera lenses to swabbing umbilical cords, but ear-cleaning is conspicuously absent... or is it? Aha! Elbow-maxim-spouting people, stick it in your ear!
August 15, 2007