Freeze! Hold it right there, buddy!

I am a naturally silly person who, sadly, cannot keep a straight face, so these folks are my new idols.

NonSense

According to Google, "Google AdSense™ automatically delivers text and image ads that are precisely targeted to your site and your site content—ads so well-matched, in fact, that your readers will actually find them useful."

So, readers, did you find this useful?

Psssst!

(Let's not ruin it by saying it aloud (I have a tendency to jinx things), but I think the rice-and-Pepto-Bismol diet is working. For the first time in several nights, Ferris did not wake me up with a stinky surprise. A great big THANKS! to everyone who provided suggestions, support and sympathy.)

In other news... Here are the latest and greatest Sitemeter search stats for my blog.

Someone in Bletchley, Essex, UK, found my blog by Googling "pugs are hideous," while another UK resident found it by Googling "pet spider poems." You know, when I was a kid I adopted a spider. It lived in the back yard on my mother's clothesline pulley. Every day when I went outside to feed our pet rabbit I would shake earwigs out from a crevice in the rabbit hutch. I would catch them in an old tennis ball canister and shake them silly so that they would be dizzy when I tossed them into the -- hold on, I think this is falling into the category of "things you really ought not reveal about your childhood." Never mind, then.

A fellow Torontonian arrived at my site by entering the search words "bodypaint by jen calendar 2006," while another local found it by Googling "lmao." Trust me, no one would be laughing if they had the misfortune to view me in nothing but bodypaint. I would probably get sued for causing severe emotional trauma.

An individual from Reynoldsburg, Ohio, was probably disappointed with the fish bathroom pics that resulted from their pursuit of "panda theme room" photos. (Were they seeking ideas for a panda-themed room, or for a theme room for pandas?)

This wallcovering is fab!

I'm very curious to know why somebody in the Salem-Keizer Public School system in Gervais, Oregon, was searching for information on "shroom babies." Perhaps FASD wasn't enough to explain the behaviour of some of the students?

My condolences to the person from Kelso, Missouri, who was on a quest for "free cat poems for funerals." Did the local cat lady pass away? And did you really need to include the word "free"? Surely no one would actually charge for a funereal cat poem.

Lastly, I really feel for the person from Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania, who Googled, "can you die from a broken toe." Scott nearly murdered Ferris after finding out how much his broken toe cost.

By the time you read this...

...I will be knee-deep in poop. Amelia, Leigh-Ann, anyone with dog experience -- HELP! I could drive a half-hour to the clinic to pay another ridiculous amount for medication, but as I mentioned in my last post I'm reluctant to do so, while Scott is simply "not $%$#!@ going to %$&#@!# pay for &$#!@%$ more medicine. Let's just give him Pepto Bismol." Have any of you tried this on your dogs? Do you have any other suggestions for restoring Ferris' gastro-intestinal health? I'm growing tired of interrupting my sleep several times to scrub the floors, and there are only so many times that Scott will be willing to stuff his nostrils with tissues and take Ferris outside in the middle of the night. I will be most grateful for your input!

What's he so bloody happy about?

You know it's going to be bad when...

...the stench wakes you up. The painkillers (for which we paid $77) caused Ferris to develop something I had never before had the misfortune to witness: projectile diarrhea. I first awoke to the smell at two o'clock in the morning. I made it to the living room in time to see Ferris vomiting a few feet away from the biggest mess he had ever made. He had actually grossed himself out. Once he was finished puking, he greeted me ecstatically. I spent the next fifteen minutes using up a roll of paper towel and at least a dozen Lysol wipes. Fun.

I returned to bed but awoke a few hours later to the very same stink. Once again, Ferris greeted me with his full-body wag. It was as if he was awaiting praise for his latest display, which resembled a giant Spin-Art creation gone very, very wrong.

Scott brought Ferris outside, where he repeated his spinning poop routine. I was still scrubbing the floor when they came back in. And silly me, I thought it would be safe to go back to bed for a little while. Before long, I awoke for a third time to olfactory overload. A new roll of paper towel, a new container of Lysol wipes, and another trip to the back yard where Ferris could yet again recreate his artwork. The vet instructed me to stop giving Ferris the painkillers and she offered to dispense a medication to stop the diarrhea. I said thanks but no thanks. With my luck, the anti-diarrheal would cause Ferris to, I don't know, bleed from the ears, for which another medication would be required. If I weren't broke from the vet bills, I would be buying stocks in veterinary pharmaceutical companies.

For those who wake up single on Valentine's Day...

...how about getting a cat?

Broken toe: $975

So the vet phoned to update me on Ferris' condition. The fracture may have affected the joint, which could lead to arthritis eventually. Ferris was anesthetized for about half an hour and required a double-layered fiberglass splint. He is now awake and apparently comfortable. He will have to wear the splint for several weeks and have it changed regularly at the clinic. If it gets wet (by being exposed to, say, snow), it will have to be changed more often.

In addition to keeping Ferris' splint dry, we are also supposed to ensure that Ferris remains as calm and still as possible. "Easier said than done" doesn't cover it. This is Ferris we're talking about.

And what about Montana? How are we to stop him from wrestling with Ferris?

Between the exam, the X-rays, the bloodwork, the anesthesia and the splint, our total bill comes to $975. That's right. A broken toe on a big dog costs nearly a grand.

Did I mention that I cancelled my pet insurance?

$%#@&#!!!

For your viewing pleasure, a copy of Ferris' x-ray. Apparently Ferris has fractured a toe. My mom used to break her toes on a regular basis by stubbing them on the piano and other heavy furniture. I seem to recall that there was no need to anesthetize her and affix a fiberglass splint to her foot. With Ferris it's a different story. A very expensive story. Hence the $%#@&#!!!

Is there anything sadder than a lame dog?

That's a rhetorical question. Of course there is. Still, this is making me so sad that I just had to film it.

Scott says that Old Spice is for old men, but I sure like this ad.

Say hello to my niece-in-the-making!

My brother and sister-in-law had another ultrasound today and everything is looking good. We now know that the baby is a girl. She's already got Laura's cute little nose!

Montana turns one

My apologies. I have been too busy and uninspired to post lately. I did have to post a photo today, however, as it's Montana's first birthday.